Deep deep thoughts

I don't usually share ultra deep thoughts and emotional matters on this blog because those are much more personal and sometimes those things are better to be kept in your own mind. But today i figured I might as well because it is my blog so I should post things I want to post rather than things others want to see. Probably going to regret this soon so let's get it published before I do.

Recently I've had a lot of thought about my relationships, especially my friendships. I don't know if you do this but when I watch Korean reality shows like Full House with SJ or 2NE1 TV, I try to figure out who is best friends with who and those type of things. I also try to figure out (this is kind of mean but) who gets left out the most. Then I kind of relate it to my life and the people around me and what type of roles we each play in our friendship groups.

Kind of unrelated to what I was going to talk about but I've had a lot of thought about what kind of role I play. I think that in the past I have been trying too hard to make other people laugh that I've sometimes forgotten how to have fun myself. This may sound ridiculous but just like what I've told some of my friends, I enjoy making people laugh more than laughing myself. I think most comedians would feel this way. But why do I do this? I realised that the reason is I wanted some particular people to like me better. I really wanted a friend who I could confide in and become friends forever with. But I should have realised ages ago was that I have made a vital mistake. I have placed my love in the wrong people, and ignored those who have always been there. I thought I was happy, but at the end of the day I always have this empty feeling inside me, because I've changed myself for someone who just doesn't and won't ever feel the same.

It sounds like I'm talking about love but really, I'm talking about friendship. I think sometimes friendship can make you cry harder than love.

So from now on, I'm going to hunt for a true friendship. I'm also going to try and find the old me, the person who can be herself and laugh from her heart. It's going to take some time, and I might not be used to it, but i will try.